


What if we die tonight?

by capn_cecil_ang



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Aaron is a Good Parent, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Before Battle, Confessions, Difficult Decisions, Dorks in Love, Feelings Realization, Gen, Jesus Lives (Walking Dead), M/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Pining, S10E11 but Jesus is alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:02:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28391352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capn_cecil_ang/pseuds/capn_cecil_ang
Summary: The Whisperer's attack on Hilltop is drawing near and Jesus tries to figure out, what he's fighting for.
Relationships: Aaron & Gracie (Walking Dead), Aaron & Jesus (Walking Dead), Aaron/Jesus (Walking Dead), Gracie & Jesus (Walking Dead)
Kudos: 17





	What if we die tonight?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Long time no see, TWD fandom, eh?  
> I've had this idea while I was watching S10E11 back in March, and I started to write it down then, but never finished it until now. Well, hope you like it. Happy holidays, y'all 💝

The news of what happened in the caves spread fast. And it only added to the tensed atmosphere stretching throughout Hilltop. The threat of Whisperers was lurking in the shadows of nearby woods. And with people now lost, it added little joy to the gloomy days the community was facing. 

Decisions were something Jesus didn't make lightly. And now there were some difficult ones ahead of him. No matter the situation, though, he had one thing straight. Getting their people back was the most important task right now.

Jesus walked out of the Barrington house, almost colliding with Yumiko.

"Oh, sorry," he apologized, scanning the group in front of him. 

Yumiko, Kelly, Luke, and Jerry were all gathered at the doorstep of the house, looking like they've just been through hell. Yet there was determination in their eyes, one that needn't an explanation.

"You're going after them, aren't you?" Jesus said, meeting their gazes, one by one.

"Yes. We are," Kelly responded with a resolution in her voice. As she stood up, though, an awkward wobble undermined her bold tone. Her ankle was bandaged, and no brave words could hide the fact that it was wounded. Yet she stood up, meeting Jesus' eyes with a persistent demeanor. "Do you have a problem with that?" she asked. 

"No, I don't," Jesus replied, studying the group again. If they were going to do it, they needed all the help they could get. "But I'm going with you," he added, making his final decision.

Luke threw his hands in defeat, scrambling from the steps. "You've got to be joking, right?" he exclaimed. "Isn't it enough Kelly's going with that ankle of hers? We don't need another half-dead person helping us out," he said, gesturing widely. Then, maybe considering his choice of words too harsh, he added: "Uhm, no offense."

"None taken," Jesus shook his head. He understood where Luke was coming from. Jesus himself has just recovered from the attack at the cemetery. An experience that was way too close to death for his liking. But sitting around the Hilltop, settling down petty squabbles was wearing him out more than fighting ever did. He needed to get behind the walls once again. To feel the rush of adrenaline when he was facing the dead ones. And not to forget he owned Magna. If it wasn't for her and Yumiko, he'd never make it to the Hilltop in time for Alex to patch him up.

"Look, Magna is my friend as much as she's yours," Jesus said, same determination in his voice as in Kelly's a few moments ago. "She needs our help, and that's what we're going to do… together."

"No, you're not," Yumiko interjected, shaking her head. Her lips formed a thin line as she sent Jesus a stern glare. "You're still recovering. It's dangerous enough for us." 

Putting her hand on his shoulder, she lowered her voice into a softer tone. "Look, I know her. She wouldn't want you to risk your life. Besides," she glanced over the Hilltop, then returned her gaze to Jesus, "people need you here, more than ever.  _ Be here. _ "

Jesus wanted to argue, to persuade them to let him in on the mission. But deep down, he knew Yumiko was right. 

Before he or anyone could say anything else, the gates opened, and Daryl and Lydia rode in. Daryl's bike roared into an abrupt stop as they halted in the middle of the clearing. 

******

All the eyes in the room were on Jesus. And there were a lot of eyes there. Everyone said their piece, trying to push their truth. Earl wanted to stay and protect Hilltop; Diane, to leave and rebuilt the place later. Lydia knew it was all in vain. As she pointed out, it was already too late. 

But the final decision was still on Jesus. And it was the hardest one so far. All his instincts were telling him to stay, to protect the place so many called home. But then Aaron started talking about Gracie and all the other kids. And how this all meant nothing if there wasn't anyone to guarantee the future for this place.

Jesus looked around the room at the people he got used to calling his friends. _Aaron is right,_ he thought. _Hilltop might be a special place. But it is not worth the lives of anyone living here._

"We're going," he said, interrupting the hubbub of a debate. "We'll get the kids out first. Daryl, Diane, and Lydia; take them and get them to Oceanside. The rest of us will pack up the essentials and meet you there."

******

Packing wasn't a big deal for Jesus. He never had much to begin with. The only things he'll regret leaving will be his books. But even now, he was still an optimist. Still believing they will come back to see this place mostly intact. And so it wasn't a huge deal for him... leaving. At this point, leaving felt like a routine in his life. 

After Jesus packed his few belongings, he went to help others decide what should be left behind. It was difficult to see people trying to say goodbye to possessions that were dear to them. It brought out a weird sentiment in Jesus. These people have created a home in this place. And if he asked, they would stay and defend it. This place was their reason to fight. But to Jesus, it didn't feel like that. 

He tried to think about Hilltop as his home, but it never felt quite right. He still felt better outside those walls than inside them. Less constricted and burdened. But now, with the threat of an enemy looming over their heads, he would welcome the sentiment of knowing what he's fighting for. 

******

When the most essential things were packed, and people were grabbing only their personal belongings, Jesus retreated into Maggie's office. He stood by the window, his arms crossed at his chest, watching the commotion at the yard. 

Being a leader was exhausting. Sometimes he wished Maggie would come back. Or better yet, if she never left. But after Tara, he didn't have another choice but to step up and be the leader everyone took him for. 

So Jesus appreciated these moments of solitude he so sparely stole for himself. He needed these moments, away from questions, demands, and people in general. It helped him to recharge. 

So when the knock on the door sounded, for a moment, Jesus considered hiding under the table. But he pushed the thought away to the back of his mind, calling for the visitor to come in.

"Hey," Aaron's beardy face peeked into the office, and Jesus sighed in relief.  _ It could have been worse, _ he thought.  _ Aaron, I can handle. _

"Hey, Aaron. Good to see you again." Jesus said with a soft smile. "I didn't even have a chance to say hello since you've arrived."

"Yeah. Busy day, is it?" Aaron joked, walking into the office and closing the door behind him.

"What can I do for you then, friend?" Jesus asked, stepping away from the window and making his way towards the sofas. He sat down on one of them and motioned for Aaron to sit on the other. 

"I guess I just wanted to see how you're doing," Aaron said and sat opposite of Jesus. "I mean, with everything that's going on right now." 

He shrugged, smiling under his bushy beard. "Plus, we haven't spoken in a while, and… I guess I missed it."

Jesus smiled, too, scratching his own beard. "Yeah, well, being a leader of a community doesn't leave much time for socializing, does it?"

"For what it's worth, I'm glad you took the reins," Aaron said, his voice sincere.

Huffing a laugh, Jesus leaned back against the sofa, allowing himself to relax a bit. 

"Yeah, well, it's not like I had much of a choice. With Maggie and Tara being gone…" 

He fell silent for a while, the memories of dear friends they lost flashing before his eyes. But then he looked at Aaron again, and it pulled him back to the present.

"Well, it's no use to dwell on the past. There's a lot of people right here and now who need my help, so…" 

Another memory, a happier one, flashed through his mind, and he smiled. "Besides. Someone once told me I would be a damn good leader if I just stopped fighting it."

"Hm, must have been a wise man." Aaron chuckled. "Because he was right."

Jesus let out a small laugh, too, his eyes lingering on Aaron. He felt good in his presence, even though all hell was about to break loose outside. Right here and now, sitting and talking to his friend, it felt freeing. And a warmth spread through Jesus's heart the longer he observed Aaron.

"Thank you, by the way, for your decision to leave," Aaron said then, pulling Jesus out of his thoughts. "I know it was hard, but I appreciate it."

A knot formed in Jesus' stomach as he pictured what could happen if they stayed. 

"Well," he said, "your speech put things in perspective for me. I would never let anything happen to Gracie or any other kids."

"It makes you think, doesn't it?" Aaron said, looking somewhere in the distance, behind Jesus. "Having a kid." 

His voice was low when he spoke, and Jesus had to strain his ears to hear him. 

"I thought I'd... after Eric... that I would never have a reason to fight again. But Gracie..." Aaron's features softened when he mentioned his daughter's name. "I would put my life for her at any given moment."

Jesus frowned, averting his eyes to look at the ground. "Yeah. It definitely helps, knowing what you're fighting for." 

Then he looked back up at Aaron, trying to put the meaning to the emotions he was feeling.

"Aaron, I—," he started, but a child's voice from the street interrupted him.

"Daddy!" that child screamed, clearly anxious. 

"Gracie?" Aaron frowned. He would have recognized his daughter's voice anywhere.  _ But what was she doing here? _ Jesus thought.  _ They left over three hours ago. _

Before Jesus could say and do anything, Aaron was already marching out of the office and into the yard. Jesus followed immediately, curious about what was happening.

"Dad," Gracie called out when she spotted Aaron and ran into his arms.

"Gracie?" Aaron exclaimed, worried and confused as he hugged her. 

Jesus scanned the situation, quickly realizing everyone returned. And there were a few more... dead bodies of their scouts. 

"This can't be good," Jesus said to himself, watching as Aaron sent his daughter inside, along with the other kids.

"What happened?" Aaron then turned to Daryl, and even though Jesus couldn't see his face, he saw his body was tensed.

"She blocked all the roads," Daryl replied. "Means they're closing in on us. We had a window to get out; we've just missed it."

Daryl's words cut deep. Jesus saw the panic starting to spread through the community like a wildfire. And he knew his moment of peace ended. It was time to step up again and act like a leader.

******

Aaron felt a headache starting at the back of his head. _ That's great. Just what I need right now.  _ As he looked around himself, though, he saw people were calmer now, listening to Jesus' plan. 

Yes, they needed to fight; there was no doubt about it. Their chance to flee was gone, and the fighting was inevitable. 

People might not have liked it, but there was no other choice. Plus, as Earl said, they had a damn good militia. Aaron should know since he was the one in charge of them. _So be it, we'll fight._

Few questions were raised, few people in need of reassurance that this was really their best option. And Aaron knew that it might not have been the best, but it was the only one. And as he watched Jesus reassure people that they'll do everything to see this through, a warm feeling spread through his insides.  _ He really is a damn good leader. _ Aaron thought, glad his friend got the chance to prove his abilities. 

All of a sudden, a moment from a few months back flashed through his mind. A memory of that terrible night at the cemetery.  _ What if tonight we're going to die? _ He thought.  _ What if this time, one of us won't pull through? _ There was no doubt this night would have casualties. But that didn't stop Aaron from hoping it won't be anyone he truly cared about. 

People started to scatter soon after, everyone given a task to do. Aaron, too, was tasked to gather the militia and all the weapons they could use in the fight. But before he started on that, he had to check on his daughter. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to set his mind at ease. 

As he turned to go back to the house, he noticed Jesus was already gone. Given the situation, he should be glad they had at least a few minutes to talk to each other. But the thought of the possibility of that conversation being their last still weighed heavily on Aaron's mind. But it wasn't like he could do anything about it, though. He had his responsibilities, and Jesus had his own too. Now, more than ever, they needed to focus on what was important. And that was protecting the ones they cared about. 

Aaron walked into the Barrington House with an intent to find Gracie. But as he stepped inside, he saw Alden and Mary in the conflict over Adam. And since Mary was his responsibility, he felt the need to step in. Arguments were exchanged, opinions presented. And in the end, nothing was resolved. Just another tense situation that they didn't need right now.

"I'm sorry," Aaron said to Mary when Alden made his leave with little Adam in his arms. But Mary just shook her head, going back outside. 

Aaron wished it was easier. But the situation seemed to be impossible to handle. Not to the point where both sides would be satisfied. 

Sighing, he walked towards Nebula and asked her where Gracie was. He wanted to see her one last time before she would leave with others to hiding. 

"I think she went upstairs," Nebula said, bobbing her head in that direction.

"Thanks," Aaron said and made his way to the first floor with a few quick steps. 

He was swift but quiet, something he learned in his years outside the walls of Alexandria. And so neither his daughter nor Jesus noticed him when he silently appeared near them. 

They were sitting on the couch in the upstairs hallway, the only two people there. Gracie was sitting in the cross-legged position, her big eyes glued to Jesus' face. 

"So what's going to happen now?" she asked, her voice expectant.

"Well, we're gonna have to stay and fight," Jesus replied to her. He was leaning against the couch leisurely, his face turned to Gracie. He didn't see Aaron from his position, and the taller man used that to his advantage. He usually wouldn't eavesdrop on someone else's conversation. But something at the sight of Gracie and Jesus chatting together made him stop. Gracie seemed to be fond of Jesus. Always asking about him and seeking out time to spent with him when they were at Hilltop. And to Aaron's delight, the feeling seemed to be mutual. 

"Will you keep an eye on my dad?" Gracie asked, and Aaron had to smile to himself. He couldn't picture a life without her anymore. The golden-haired girl made a place in his heart that could have never been replaced. 

"Two eyes, as long as I can spare them," Jesus replied, and Aaron couldn't help but chuckle, giving away his position. 

Jesus turned, his expression surprised. But when he saw it was Aaron, it changed into a laid-back smile. Gracie's face brightened when she saw Aaron walking towards them.

"You're such a geek," Aaron snorted as he made his way towards the couch.

"What's so funny?" Gracie asked, a certain frustration in her voice. "What's a geek?"

Jesus made an exaggerated gasp, looking shockingly at Aaron. "Don't you tell me you never introduced your daughter to the best fantasy story ever? The books that shaped all other fantasy books after them."

"I've never had a chance," Aaron replied, stiffing a laugh.

Gracie was now kneeling on the couch, trying to make herself taller. "What are they?" she insisted, wanting to be part of the conversation. "What are you talking about?"

Jesus turned back to her and took her small hands in his. "Now listen to me closely, Gracie," he said, his voice hushed into a conspiratory whisper. "When this is over, you and your dad are gonna come to Hilltop for a few weeks, alright? I'm sure Alexandria can spare their precious militia leader for a couple of weeks." 

He glanced at Aaron, a cheeky smile on his lips as he cocked one eyebrow. "You need a few days off," he shrugged. Then he returned his gaze back to Gracie, his voice lowering again: "And while you'll be here, I'm gonna introduce you to one of the best books ever written, deal?"

"Will you teach me some moves, like you taught daddy?" Gracie asked, her eyes sparkling with interest.

Jesus smiled at her, stroking her hair. "I'll teach you whatever you desire. With your father's permission, of course."

"Alright then," Aaron interjected, making a few steps closer to them. "Come on now, we have the battle to attend," he said, putting a hand on Jesus' shoulder. Jesus looked up to him, a soft look in his eyes mixing with worry and uncertainty. But before any of them could say anything else, Gracie threw herself into Jesus' arms, hugging him tightly. Surprised by the gesture, Jesus looked down at her, not sure what to do.

"Stay safe," she mumbled into his chest. 

Jesus hugged Gracie back, embracing her. Then Gracie turned her head up to look at him, her eyes watery. "And make sure dad is safe too." 

"I will," Jesus said, gently soothing Gracie's back. "I promise I won't leave his side."

Then she pulled away, sending him one last look before she climbed down from the couch and made her way to Aaron.

"Okay, Gracie. You need to go with the other kids and Ezekiel now. He'll keep you all safe. Understand?" 

"Yes," she nodded, taking him by his hand. "I'm ready."

Aaron's heart melted at the sight of his daughter, bravely prepared to step into the danger. He knew that even if anything happened to him tonight, she would be alright. And that was a comforting thought.

******

A few hours later, the sun was almost setting over the horizon. Jesus was coming back from the latest check-up, concerned with the progress. People were preparing weapons, reinforcing the fences, and gathering the courage to fight. They weren't even halfway done with the preparations. And at this point, he knew they won't be prepared by the time the Whisperers come. The chances of successful defense were slim, but Jesus tried to keep people's hopes up. It was even harder because his own hopes were almost none. 

Earl said earlier that day that people need to do everything to get their heads straight. And Jesus tried to do everything he thought of, to get his head in the game. Even now, at the moment of peace, he went behind the house, trying to squeeze in a quick tai-chi session. But even the exercise, something that always calmed his anxiety, didn't seem to help. No matter how much he tried to focus on his breathing, the intruding thoughts keep slipping in. 

After fifteen minutes of vain effort, he gave up. But he still felt the need to calm himself down. So he aimed for the shed, intending to check their spear situation one more time. The truth was, they had more weapons than able-bodied people to carry them. Or the ones who knew how to handle them. But something in the routine of checking made him feel calmer. 

What he didn't expect, though, was stumbling upon Aaron walking out of the shed. His expression was solemn, and he seemed to be in deep thoughts. 

"Hey," Jesus said, catching his attention.

Aaron's eyes shot to him, his face softening. But the wrinkles of worry were still visible around his eyes.

"Thought you were already armed," Jesus said, pointing towards the spear in Aaron's hand.

Aaron looked at his metal arm, then at the spear in his healthy hand. "Yeah. That's... for Mary."

"I see," Jesus nodded, biting his lower lip. "She's uh, that Whisperer renegade, right? Here to see her nephew?"

"That's right," Aaron replied, looking at Jesus expectantly. 

Jesus didn't know whether Aaron expected him to say something about Mary or decide that situation. But he trusted Aaron's instincts. And when he said Mary was cool, he believed it.

"I uh, listen," Jesus started, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Do you have a minute? I... wanted to talk to you about something."

Aaron glanced to the front of the house, checking the situation there. As it seemed everything was calm for now, he looked back to Jesus and nodded. "Sure, go ahead."

"Right," Jesus said, his chest tightening. He didn't quite think it through, and he wasn't even sure where to start. He crossed his arms at his chest, then let them fall to his sides again. 

"So, uh," he started, silently cursing himself for not preparing for this moment better.

"Wanna sit down?" Aaron asked, gesturing towards the nearby tree trunk. 

"Uh, yeah, sure," Jesus replied, rubbing his hands down his trousers. He didn't even realize when they started sweating so much. 

Aaron leaned the spear against the shed, and they both made their way towards the trunk.

As they sat down, Jesus's mind made a connection with their secret meetings in the woods. He longed for those moments when life seemed much simpler. And for a moment he wondered, whether Aaron missed those moments too.

"Are you okay?" Aaron asked, his voice a bit on edge.

"Yeah," Jesus replied, "No. I mean," he sighed, scratching his beard. "I don't know. This day, it's... tough. Seeing everyone gearing up for another war, talking about fighting. It... makes one think."

There was a brief pause before Aaron asked: "What about?"

Jesus' eyes met with Aaron's equally blue ones, and he parted his lips to speak. But the words seemed stuck in his throat, making him stutter: "I, uh... mostly about... what is there for me to fight for, I guess." 

Aaron frowned, his gaze expectant. Jesus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm himself down. When he opened his eyes again, Aaron was still looking at him, a mix of concern and anticipation in his eyes. And Jesus knew that if the threat of imminent death wasn't looming over them, he wouldn't find the courage for this now.

"I realized that, despite what I thought, there are a handful of people I would gladly put my life to protect. Hell, I almost did already, didn't I?" 

A sudden tension in Aaron's expression told Jesus that this joke went unappreciated.  _ Right. Don't joke about your near-death experience in front of Aaron. _ Jesus reminded himself.

"Now, I don't know whether I'll make it tonight or not. But I know this. If I don't tell you this now, I might not do it later, or ever." Jesus said, clearing his throat. "And if I die tonight, I'd rather you to know how I feel about you and Gracie."

"Jesus," Aaron started, his eyes softening. But Jesus shook his head, not getting him the space to interject.

"Don't. You don't have to say anything. I… just need you to know that you and Gracie are the most important people to me. And I would do anything to protect you. And if we all survive tonight, well... I think I'd like to spend more time with you two."

Then he fell silent, closing his eyes again. Just saying that out loud has taken a load off his mind. But as the silence between them grew, Jesus' stomach started to knot. 

It seemed like an eternity, and Aaron was still silent. Jesus knew he said Aaron doesn't need to say anything. But hearing nothing at all was worse than hearing a rejection. 

Afraid to even open his eyes, Jesus waited for anything - a sign, a sound, an acknowledgment. And when Aaron finally spoke, his words cut through the silence like an invisible dagger.

"I really wish you hadn't said that," he said, and Jesus' eyes shot open. For a moment, he was back at that cemetery, a machete piercing through his back. But this time, the aim was better. It pierced right through his heart, shattering it into pieces. 

But the moment was fleeting, and it was all washed away the moment Aaron's hand touched his. Jesus looked down, seeing Aaron's hand cupping his. And then he finally looked up and met Aaron's eyes. A soft smile on Aaron's face showed that maybe Jesus misunderstood his initial words. 

"Now I have two people to worry about," Aaron said. "Two people who are very special to me," he finished, his gaze lingering on Jesus. 

The wave of relief washed over Jesus, a bright smile spreading across his face. "Shit," he swore. "Never make such a long pause, man."

Aaron laughed, throwing his head back. "At least you know how I'll feel when it comes to fighting tonight."

Jesus turned his hand palm up and interlaced his fingers with Aaron's. He squeezed Aaron's hand and leaned closer to him. 

"Don't worry. I made a promise, Aaron. A promise. Don't you leave him, Paul Rovia. And I don't mean to."

"Gosh, you are a massive geek," Aaron laughed again, a full and hearty sound.

Then he looked into Jesus' eyes again, his expression changing. 

"Really though," he said, gaining a solemn look, "don't take any risks tonight. I can't go through the turmoil of almost losing you again."

Jesus's heart clenched at Aaron's words, and he squeezed their hands again. "I won't. I promise," he said, looking deeply into Aaron's eyes. 

The fragile moment between them was broken when Yumiko's voice sounded from afar: "THE HOARD'S COMING!"


End file.
